Lil' Johnnie's Momma?

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

A Day at the Bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Change a light bulb (Part One)

Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q. How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to turn the bulb, and four to chase away the Californians who have come to relate to the experience.

Q. How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, fifty! It's in the contract!

Q. How many straight, normal San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Both of them.

Difference between Stress, Tension and Panic

what is the difference between Stress, Tension and panic?
Ans: Stress is when wife is pregnent
Tension is when girl friend is pregnent
and Panic is when both are pregnent.

Conversation between man & woman (Last Part)

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

Conversation between man & woman (Part 3)

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Let's start with your bank account.

Man: May I have the last dance?
Woman: You've just had it.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Conversation Between Man & Woman (2)

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Conversation between Man & Woman

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man:I want to give myself to you.
Woman:Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man:May I see you pretty soon?
Woman:Don't you think I'm pretty now?